Posts tagged mothers day
I Lost an Angel on Mother's Day

*WARNING: TRIGGER POST*
Contains details of a miscarriage.

Bumps Ahead | Pregnancy Announcement, miscarriage, loss, infertility, taboo

This is the photo we took on our Anniversary while in San Francisco to announce our pregnancy. We didn't know we would lose our angel upon our return, let alone on Mother's Day.

Near the end of last year, Matthew and I felt prompted to start planning for a third child. In January I was finally able to schedule an appointment with an OBGYN to get my IUD removed. In the past my pregnancies have been quickly conceived with close to no complications. February came and I had a period. March came and I had another period.

I remember having the thought that I was going to miscarry for some reason, but it had never happened before so I completely dismissed the thought.

That's when we decided to try an ovulation test kit. The beginning of April  I started peeing in a cup every day to test if I was ovulating. I kept getting negative after negative. Some faint lines, but on an ovulation test that still means negative. The end of April was drawing near and I wasn't having a period, but I still wasn't testing positive for ovulation. 

Then suddenly I got my first strong positive ovulation test on April 30th, again on May 1st, and again on the 2nd. It seemed so bizarre, but we took advantage of it anyway. Without my knowledge, Matthew did a second test from my sample cup on the 2nd. But not with an ovulation test, with a pregnancy test! That's when he told me that I was pregnant. He knelt down, announced it to me and kissed my belly in the sweetest way. I was in shock and overjoyed at the same time because we were about to go on a vacation to celebrate our anniversary! The timing couldn't have been more perfect.

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I changed my period tracking app to pregnancy mode, and there was a digital image of a 5 week old fetus that appeared on the screen. I still couldn't believe it was real!

When we arrived in SF I started spotting. At first it seemed fine, like implantation bleeding, but I had a feeling something might be wrong. It stopped the next day and so I didn't worry about it very much. On our anniversary we took the 'bumps ahead' photo. What I didn't know at the time was the irony that photo would have just a week later. The women taking the photo congratulated us and they were elated by our upcoming announcement. I was starting to accept and believe that this was really happening!

We got home on the 8th, and the next morning I started bleeding again. But this time it wasn't light and it definitely didn't seem normal. I just kept bleeding. The 10th, 11th, 12th, and on Mother's Day I watched as clots and strings of blood left my body. Every time I went to the bathroom I was terrified that I would somehow see a 6+ week old fetus on the pad lining my underwear. 

Throughout the day, I felt depressed and yet comforted. As if in my mind I knew this was going to happen, but my heart still wouldn't accept it. The lessons in church were so incredibly special and applicable to me that day. I couldn't stop sobbing. 

Yesterday Matthew gave me a priesthood blessing and he said that I would be comforted through this loss. As a definite statement, not a question. I had scheduled a doctors appointment for Tuesday, so even though it felt final I held on to a fraction of hope that maybe I'd hear a little heartbeat in there, still beating. 

Today I watched the doctor do the ultrasound. The screen was dark and I saw my empty uterus. It confirmed all of my feelings and fears. To have that excitement start and end in such a short span of time. It's impossible to explain how heavy the loss felt on my heart in that moment. And yet, somehow I feel okay. I feel like God prepared my mind for this all along.

Still.

I lost an angel on Mother's Day.

I don't know why this happened. Why my husband was prompted to do a pregnancy test, and why it was over before I really accepted it. But I do know that God has a plan for me. This loss is a part of His plan and it's a part of my story now.

I'll see you again one day, my angel baby.

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Mother's Day Tribute

I wanted to make a tribute to all of the mom's out there. The new mother, grandmother, or simply a mother at heart. Often I feel my efforts as a young mother go unnoticed, and I know I am not alone. For that reason, I want to tell you that your efforts are worth more than you may ever realize.  I always had a grasp for the love mother's have for their children, but I never understood the worry and sorrow they feel until I became one myself. 

Becoming a mother has allowed me to feel deeper than ever before. Creating and caring for a human being has given me a greater perspective. It has helped me gain an understanding of my Father in Heaven and how His heart aches for His children. I've caught a small glimpse of how He felt when He watched his Son, Jesus Christ, suffer for the sins of the world. It has shown me the worst of me and the best of me.

Motherhood has taught me more about love, sacrifice, patience, and selflessness than I ever could have imagined. I have become a better person. Not to mention, the joy I feel watching Turner learn and grow is unlike anything I have ever felt before. Seeing his sweet personality develop brings so many laughs and smiles into my daily life. He makes the little things extra special, and helps me step back from the hustle and bustle to focus on what is most important. 

I'm so grateful for the example of a loving and righteous mother. She has never stopped caring for me. Even as an adult, she has helped me through so much. What means the most to me is that she is my best friend. She's always there when I need someone to talk to. I can't even tell you how many times I have called her to see if I can come over just for a change of scenery. She is an incredible grandma and treats Turner like the first grandchild even though he's number nine. I have never questioned if she loves me. I have always known.

I've also been blessed with an angel for a mother in law. She never ceases to amaze me with her endless generosity. Not many can say this, but I feel completely comfortable to ask her for help. She raised a super stud son for me to marry, and for that I am eternally grateful. I couldn't have lucked out more. I love her like she is my own mother. 

I know every mother struggles with something. I just want you to know you are loved. I love you for your valiant efforts. You are kind, beautiful and smart. You are amazing! I know God made mothers because he couldn't be everywhere. So lift your head up and journey on. Put on a smile and remember that the seemingly insignificant things you do every day are important. Your influence is powerful and a great gift. Let's keep encouraging each other to be our very best.

I hope you have a very Happy Mother's Day!

All my love,