Posts tagged life
I Lost an Angel on Mother's Day

*WARNING: TRIGGER POST*
Contains details of a miscarriage.

Bumps Ahead | Pregnancy Announcement, miscarriage, loss, infertility, taboo

This is the photo we took on our Anniversary while in San Francisco to announce our pregnancy. We didn't know we would lose our angel upon our return, let alone on Mother's Day.

Near the end of last year, Matthew and I felt prompted to start planning for a third child. In January I was finally able to schedule an appointment with an OBGYN to get my IUD removed. In the past my pregnancies have been quickly conceived with close to no complications. February came and I had a period. March came and I had another period.

I remember having the thought that I was going to miscarry for some reason, but it had never happened before so I completely dismissed the thought.

That's when we decided to try an ovulation test kit. The beginning of April  I started peeing in a cup every day to test if I was ovulating. I kept getting negative after negative. Some faint lines, but on an ovulation test that still means negative. The end of April was drawing near and I wasn't having a period, but I still wasn't testing positive for ovulation. 

Then suddenly I got my first strong positive ovulation test on April 30th, again on May 1st, and again on the 2nd. It seemed so bizarre, but we took advantage of it anyway. Without my knowledge, Matthew did a second test from my sample cup on the 2nd. But not with an ovulation test, with a pregnancy test! That's when he told me that I was pregnant. He knelt down, announced it to me and kissed my belly in the sweetest way. I was in shock and overjoyed at the same time because we were about to go on a vacation to celebrate our anniversary! The timing couldn't have been more perfect.

test.jpg

I changed my period tracking app to pregnancy mode, and there was a digital image of a 5 week old fetus that appeared on the screen. I still couldn't believe it was real!

When we arrived in SF I started spotting. At first it seemed fine, like implantation bleeding, but I had a feeling something might be wrong. It stopped the next day and so I didn't worry about it very much. On our anniversary we took the 'bumps ahead' photo. What I didn't know at the time was the irony that photo would have just a week later. The women taking the photo congratulated us and they were elated by our upcoming announcement. I was starting to accept and believe that this was really happening!

We got home on the 8th, and the next morning I started bleeding again. But this time it wasn't light and it definitely didn't seem normal. I just kept bleeding. The 10th, 11th, 12th, and on Mother's Day I watched as clots and strings of blood left my body. Every time I went to the bathroom I was terrified that I would somehow see a 6+ week old fetus on the pad lining my underwear. 

Throughout the day, I felt depressed and yet comforted. As if in my mind I knew this was going to happen, but my heart still wouldn't accept it. The lessons in church were so incredibly special and applicable to me that day. I couldn't stop sobbing. 

Yesterday Matthew gave me a priesthood blessing and he said that I would be comforted through this loss. As a definite statement, not a question. I had scheduled a doctors appointment for Tuesday, so even though it felt final I held on to a fraction of hope that maybe I'd hear a little heartbeat in there, still beating. 

Today I watched the doctor do the ultrasound. The screen was dark and I saw my empty uterus. It confirmed all of my feelings and fears. To have that excitement start and end in such a short span of time. It's impossible to explain how heavy the loss felt on my heart in that moment. And yet, somehow I feel okay. I feel like God prepared my mind for this all along.

Still.

I lost an angel on Mother's Day.

I don't know why this happened. Why my husband was prompted to do a pregnancy test, and why it was over before I really accepted it. But I do know that God has a plan for me. This loss is a part of His plan and it's a part of my story now.

I'll see you again one day, my angel baby.

Signature (1).png
#BLOOPERS

You guys. April is a super exciting month for me, you know why?? Because ONE YEAR AGO I took the leap to become a Maskcara Artist and I have not regretted that decision one day since!! So brace yourself for all things Maskcara and make sure to follow me over on my Facebook Page so you can get in on some awesome beauty product Giveaway action!! 

I'd love to tell you more about the artist program, but in the meantime, watch this hilarious bloopers reel of me trying to make a serious video to send to the Maskcara Beauty corporate team. HAHA! I hope it brightens your day! Love you all and I hope you have a great Easter weekend with loved ones!! 

Signature (1).png
Do I Have a Story Worth Telling?
 
Do I Have a Story Worth Telling? | A Dash of Salter | Motherhood, Lifestyle, Beauty Blogger |
 

For a while now I've been trying to write more about my life on the blog, but I get so hung up on if I have something valuable to share. I ask myself questions constantly. What about my life could someone relate to or find value in? Could I help uplift someone by sharing my experiences or are they not _______ enough? 

The fact is I've lived a very privileged and blessed life. I grew up in a loving home with two parents who never got divorced. I have a strong relationship with all of my siblings. I've never broken a bone or suffered a severe injury. I've never been personally effected by cancer, miscarriage, or loss of a family member. I have never had strong financial burdens (thanks parents and husband) and I don't feel like I've had a lot of trials placed in my life.

The trials and struggles I have considered as such seem so insignificant in comparison to the problems of many others. How can I even complain and struggle with something trivial when so many others have it much harder and worse than I do?

Yesterday I was watching Jenna's Insta Stories and she said something that really struck a chord with me. "Gratitude and struggle can coexist." You can go through something that is hard and still feel gratitude. My struggles may seem insignificant to others, but to me they are still hard! That doesn't mean I'm ungrateful, I am constantly in awe of how truly blessed I am, it just means my hard is different than theirs. 

I have a strong belief in God, and I know that he doesn't give us trials we can't overcome. For me right now, my biggest struggle is trying to manage my time and teach my children. Having two toddlers and trying to stay on top of housekeeping, self care, budgeting, planning and my business is completely overwhelming most days. I want to be able to do it all, but managing it all is so hard when I've got two little boys who need me 24/7. I am SO GRATEFUL to be a mother, especially to their sweet spirits, but that doesn't make it easy. 

Here I am. Showing up to give it my best shot! I'm a 27 year old mom with two crazy boys who extract all of my energy from me and I love them endlessly. I cherish the time I get with my husband, but I don't always show it. I have an unhealthy relationship with sugar cookies in every form and I'm okay with that. I am enough.

Every time I'm vulnerable about my struggles and my life I hear from someone saying, me too. I know I'm not alone, but it's so easy to isolate ourselves. All of us have different life experiences and struggle in our own ways, but we have more in common than we realize. 

My story might not be heart wrenching or ground breaking, but it is still worth telling. I want to remember all of it. The sweet moments and the things I had to overcome. My story is what makes me who I am. So I'm going to keep sharing it. 

Signature (1).png
Friday Favorites!

This last month I started using some game changing products, and the list of favorites was getting so long I felt the need to share it with all of you! All of the product images below are linked to where you can purchase them. So let's jump right into it, shall we?

Mē Smooth Hair Reduction Device

I have wanted to get laser hair removal for a while now. Well, did you know you could do it yourself at home? Matthew got me this device for Christmas, you may have heard me talking about it on my Insta story, and I was SUPER skeptical that it could actually get the job done. I started on/am currently treating my underarms and bikini area. I'm over half way done with the treatments and I can totally notice a difference! Especially on my bikini area. TMI, but I have thick hair and I was getting so many painful ingrown hairs it was ridiculous. This is CHANGING MY LIFE. I can't wait to give a full review after I'm done with all of the treatments. If you want to laser the private parts of your body for a fraction of the cost. This is the way to do it. 

Dove Dry Spray Antiperspirant

I have good friends who recommend the best products and this one as well as the next one were recommended by my BFF, Kelsie. You guys, the ingrown/thick hair problem also applies to my underarms which I feel like makes them very easily irritated. Off and on since I can remember I've had reactions to deodorant. I never really switched brands because it only happened every once in a while. Well, after having rashes for a little over a month I stopped using my deodorant and switched to my husbands. That's when Kelsie recommend this dry spray deodorant. I've been using it for a couple weeks now and I'm OBSESSED. It feels like I'm spraying air on my pits because this stuff drys instantly. It smells great and lasts up to 48 hours! Go get some for yourself. Right now. 

Soap Brows

Kelsie also opened my eyes to the magic that is Soap Brows. I mean, just look at her brows first. Then, go watch this video to see it in action! Isn't that incredible??? I have sparseness just like her and it does wonders for me! I've been using a pink soap, and so I can only imagine what it's going to look like when I get some clear soap

Little Remedies Saline Drops

If you have been following my Instagram saga, then you already know we've been hit with a constant wave of illness in our home. Specifically sinuses and colds. These drops have done wonders for clearing out that stubborn mucus in  my little ones nostrils. They hate getting the drops, but it has made the biggest difference in getting them back to their healthy, happy selves! 

Lemi-Shine

Okay, so a couple months ago our dishes started looking a little foggy. I looked up a DIY rinse aid on Pinterest and thought I would give it a try. Well, something went horribly wrong and for a whole month we had this nasty white film on everything. Even the dishwasher. I felt awful and tried everything I could to flush the system. It was looking better but still had a foggy look to it. That's when I saw this product on my friend Kalie's favorites list on Instagram, and I HAD to give it a try. After the first wash, the dishwasher looked brand new!!! I couldn't believe it! Our dishes have never looked this clean. EVER. Matthew is obsessed with how clean our glassware is. SO worth the investment for us.

Moana Soundtrack

I know, totally cliche, but I don't even care. Turner and I are OBSESSED with this movie and all of it's music. The soundtrack has been on repeat every time we get in the car, or if there's a lull in our day. It's the perfect pick me up! You're welcome. ;)

That's it for today! If you try them out, let me know what you think! What products are your tried and true favorites right now? Leave a comment with them below! Thanks for reading, loves!

*This post contains affiliate links. All opinions are my own.*

Things to Remember the Next Time You Have Mom Guilt
3 Things to Remember the Next Time You Have Mom Guilt

This weekend I had somewhat of a revelation, a realization really, and it all has to do with mom guilt.  If you're anything like me, you feel it all the time. 

I feel it every time my child gets sick. When my child misbehaves or hurts someone. If my house is filthy and I binge watch Netflix instead of cleaning it. When I lose my patience and react out of anger. Anytime I make a choice that isn't the best choice, in comes mom guilt. Sometimes the guilt and weight of parental responsibility becomes so overwhelming I completely breakdown. Sobbing ensues and there is little that can be done to stop it. On Saturday I laid in bed, and did just that.

Earlier that day I felt my son Grey's forehead to find he was running a fever, again. Our boys have gone from one illness to another this winter and I was beginning to believe that they'll never have noses that aren't running and throats that aren't sore from coughing.  My patience was thin and my energy low. Matthew was trying to talk to me about planning a vacation, which distracted me for a while. Until I heard Grey coughing downstairs. 

That's when all the guilt flooded in. Why can't I keep my children from getting sick? What am I doing wrong? Which lead to more and more thoughts of guilt, unrelated to illness. Why am I not motivated to do the laundry? There are so many things I can do better. I don't play with Turner enough. We don't leave the house enough. We watch too much television. I look at my phone too much. All followed by the thought that I am a terrible mother. 

My sweet husband could instantly tell something was weighing down my heart and asked me to talk to him. In a flood of tears, I told him what I was feeling. The weight of being a parent and raising competent, respectful human beings is too much to handle at times.  I felt that weight lifting slightly as he comforted me and said just the things I needed to hear.

As I continued to reflect on our conversation in the days following, my perspective became more profound and clear. These are some of the things I've come to understand and hope to remember the next time I feel mom guilt, or guilt of any kind.

  • Guilt comes with caring. The fact that you feel guilt about something is because you care about how it effects those around you. The next time you feel guilty, remind yourself that you truly care and let it motivate you to keep improving yourself. If your children are fed, safe, and loved, you're doing great! 
  • You can always be better. No matter how perfect we try to be, or how much we do, we will always have room for improvement. That's just how life is. You won't get anywhere for beating yourself up about the mistakes and the what if's. Forgive yourself, and just keep giving your best. 
  • Your best is enough. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else's seemingly put together and perfect life. I promise, it's not. Mine DEFINITELY is not. Do your mama thing the best way you know how, and then try to do a little better each day. That is more than enough. 

I love my children, I can improve, and my efforts are enough. That's a phrase I need to tell myself more often.

These things may not be a revelation to all, but it definitely came at a time that I needed it most. I'm so grateful for a wise, loving husband who holds me and reassures me while I let ALL the emotion out. If you've ever felt this way before, please know you're not alone. And if you ever need someone to talk to about it, I'm here for you. ;) I hope you all have a great week!


Oh, and if you are interested in entering my Re-Play Toddler Feeding Set Giveaway with Re-Play Recycled go to my previous post, or click here! There are still two days left to enter! Good luck!