It's starting to get really real over here. At my appointment on Monday the baby was measuring at 4 lbs 9 oz. I'm well on my way to having another 8 pounder. Insert distressed emoticon here. My doctor suggested I think about being induced at 39 weeks because my last delivery was so difficult. I can't believe how much comfort it brought me to hear him say those words. Knowing that's an option and that my doctor wants me to have an easy delivery brings me such peace of mind.
It's not really until now that I realized how traumatizing my first delivery was. As the day is approaching to have Grey, I am feeling more anxiety and fear that it will be exactly the same as last time. While I've received a lot of encouragement from family and friends that my body knows what to do now, I can't help but think about how I felt like a failure for the first three and a half hours of pushing with Turner. Granted, I didn't have much of a coach throughout the process. I only saw my doctor 5 or 6 times in the 10 hours I was at the hospital.
Still, it was frustrating to me to think I wasn't strong enough to push out my baby. He was in the birth canal for 4 hours before he arrived. I feel completely responsible for his stay in the NICU. I have prayed so many times that with Grey it will be different. That it'll be a smooth delivery. That I will have the strength and ability to ensure a healthy delivery for him. I don't know if an induction will help me do that, but I'm hoping to be inspired to know what will be best for me and my sweet baby boy.
Until then I'm choosing to stay hopeful. To have faith in myself and my experiences. To trust in my Father in Heaven. I'm choosing to be grateful for a healthy child and an uncomplicated pregnancy. For the blessing to be a part of creating another human life. I'm choosing to think about the first time I'll hold my precious son in my arms, and when he will meet his incredible father and his big brother. That day will be the sweetest of days. And although I'm afraid, I'm dreaming of that day to come.