Pregnancy Diary: 36 Weeks
For the last week I've been having shameful mom moments. I've been sick with a nasty cold, and just found out that Turner most likely has a sinus infection causing all of his awful symptoms (puking, diarrhea, fever, sore throat, and ear ache). Lacking sleep, we're both irritable and not our normal selves. But I don't feel like that's a good excuse. I've been neglecting Turner to work on all of the baby projects on my list. I've lost my temper so many times and I'm ashamed to admit it. I'm ashamed that I yell sometimes. I'm embarrassed that I get upset about the most trivial things.
One moment in particular, I reacted to Turner dumping a container of bubbles intentionally all over the floor. I reacted so suddenly and furiously that he started to cry. I felt instant guilt and regret as I watched his tears stream down his precious face. I wanted to take it all away. I was ashamed of myself. I found myself breaking down in tears as I apologized to him for allowing myself to get so upset. We both continued to cry as I held him tight in my arms. As I tried to comfort him, he slowly stopped crying, but continued asking me to hug him.
I knew he had already forgiven me, but I couldn't forgive myself. I knew that I should never react so uncontrollably. I should never let myself get so stressed/anxious/annoyed that I react in anger instead of patience and love. I continued to tell myself how I was a terrible mother. Then I remembered an article I read recently.
I remembered that I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be. I realized I'm not a terrible mom, I'm mom who is sleeping less, feeling sick, and stressed about managing two. I got so caught up in the worry of nurturing our ill son and preparing for the arrival of our second one, that I completely neglected my own needs. I have been skipping my daily study and reflection. I have not been exercising or spending time outside. I've allowed myself to lose sight of things that really matter.
I'm so grateful that my son is so willing to forgive. That he sees me as a comforter even when I'm the one who caused him to need comfort. It's such a blessing to have such special children. I want them to remember the best parts of me, not the worst. I want to become better every day for them. I pray every day that I can adjust well to two children. That I can give my all to both of them and still find time for my husband and myself. I want to be that for them so badly.
The scariest part is, it's coming soon whether I'm ready or not.The carseat base is officially installed. Turner's room just needs baseboards, trim, and one more coat of paint, then it can be filled with big boy things. The nursery can be set up once Turner moves downstairs. All of our necessities are purchased and being shipped to our home. Once they arrive I'll have the items we need to pack our bags for the hospital. Then it will just be the waiting game.
Even though it's been a rough week, the spirit has granted me so much peace that things will be smooth once baby arrives. I know I am not alone during my daily struggles. That knowledge is such a blessing in my life.
Any day now...We can hardly wait to meet you, Grey.